When polyamorists are the butt of a joke, the premise is often that polyamorists believe themselves to be superior to the dull-eyed, monogamous masses, and as much as we may hate to admit it, there’s a grain of truth to this.
I find it difficult to talk about my experiences with poly (all of which have been very negative- teaching me most of all about what I do NOT want in relationships) because many people tend to be either monogamy purists, or poly supremacists who seem to have drunk the Kool Aid. I don't want to be either of those, which makes me grateful that your essay has struck a middle ground. I have no categorical problem with poly relationships and want people to have full agency to choose them if that's what they want, but also don't appreciate the ways in which poly has become a virtue signal for being 'down with the cause' and is used to justify shitty behaviors (just as monogamy certainly can be weaponized in that way too). I feel bad sometimes because I know in wider society polyamory is a marginalized thing, and I don't want to feed into that bias, but in a lot of my social circles, I am immediately surrounded by a lot of people who fall into poly supremacy thinking and, even if they wouldn't admit it out loud, think people who choose monogamy (or even people who are in poly relationships and struggling) need deconditioning. I feel really frustrated.
Last year my partner of a long term monogamous relationship suddenly asked to date another person, and although I initially agreed, more out of fear of losing the relationship than anything else, it quickly devolved into a situation where I was not ok with being in a non-monogamous relationship, I asked for the other relationship to end, and then my partner chose to leave me to be with the other person. I experienced a lot of dishonesty, intentional distortion and denial of reality, my partner trying to "diagnose" me with issues they had read about in poly books, and many more behaviors that have left me with immense pain and heartbreak that I won't get into here. My experiences are personal anecdotes on one level, but I worry that the current poly trend is another example of people adopting dogma and jargon in place of getting to the root causes of why relationships actually may be hard or fail.
I am kind of dreading getting back into the dating world because so many queer people are doing poly and I don't want to do it. But I do think it's a gift to be clear on what you are and are not willing to do in relationships, even if it limits the pool.
There's so much more I could say, but just wanted to respond with something to your piece and especially express some appreciation for your nuance and humility. I have been following you for the past year or so and although this is my first time chiming in, please know that I value the content you are putting out there and, most of all, the ways you are publicly engaging with ideas.
“I worry that the current poly trend is another example of people adopting dogma and jargon in place of getting to the root causes of why relationships actually may be hard or fail.”
I think you hit the nail on the head! Some may scoff when I say there are polyamorists who seem to promise a life without heartache, but it’s just one of many examples of dogmatic radical thinking: if I just use the right language/do the right thing/have the right type of relationship, I can avoid scrutiny/pain/badness. Life doesn’t work that way.
Your experience sounds so profoundly painful—not only is there the loss of what was once a loving and long term relationship, but there’s the additional layer of being told there’s something wrong with you for wanting what you want, and the framing of you losing the love due to your own shortcomings, rather than a significant change in your partner’s desired life. It adds insult to injury when people posture morally while hurting us, or imply that in some way we deserve it or caused it ourselves. What a nightmare.
I really appreciate your engagement with this essay; your experience illuminates the human cost of the poly-superior mindset. Please do chime in again :)
I have heard similar defenses of poly from the part of my social group that’s queer. “it’s not for everyone” ... And yet it seems like everyone in that identity group is doing it. A friend of mine who lives in a different city has said that most of the profiles she finds on apps are only interested in poly relationships. Seems very difficult out there to be young(ish) and monogamous.
You’ve done so much critical introspection on ways in which the progressive / radical culture impacted your life, I’m curious if this is a particular area that continued to stand up after that critical introspection, or, do you feel that being polyamorous is distinct from other areas of your past that you’ve decided to shed?
I hope this question makes sense, I’m a new reader and really don’t know your background very well so forgive any incorrect assumptions I might be making!
Oof, I have heard monogamous queer people in my city lament about their difficulty in the dating pool. Come to think of it, I've heard similar lamentations from queer people who are no longer true believers in social justice orthodoxy.
Thanks for your thoughtful question. I think it's been important for me to distinguish the practice of polyamory from its ideological trappings, which was a big motivator behind this essay. I've stopped conceiving of it not as a core part of who I am—rather, it's a choice that I'm making, and it's always up for revision. I've been with my current live-in partner for almost seven years now, and a couple of years ago, I asked them if they'd prefer to be monogamous, because I was willing to make that change if it was something they'd come to want (we'd both changed a great deal over the years, and I didn't want them to feel trapped by our initial agreement). They told me that wasn't a change they desired, and so we've carried on as before.
I share this because I think that discussion marked a change in my orientation toward relationship styles, and my domestic partner has become much more important than my ability to practice a particular lifestyle. There's no longer a zealous devotion, and I will always be open to making a change if the circumstances call for it.
I hope that answers your question—let me know what you think!
Thank you for sharing your personal experiences on this topic, and very sound advice!! You rock Kier, been enjoying reading you on your journey :)
Thanks for being here :)
Love that last paragraph. Well done Kier ☺️
Thanks friend!
Thank you for your reflections!
I find it difficult to talk about my experiences with poly (all of which have been very negative- teaching me most of all about what I do NOT want in relationships) because many people tend to be either monogamy purists, or poly supremacists who seem to have drunk the Kool Aid. I don't want to be either of those, which makes me grateful that your essay has struck a middle ground. I have no categorical problem with poly relationships and want people to have full agency to choose them if that's what they want, but also don't appreciate the ways in which poly has become a virtue signal for being 'down with the cause' and is used to justify shitty behaviors (just as monogamy certainly can be weaponized in that way too). I feel bad sometimes because I know in wider society polyamory is a marginalized thing, and I don't want to feed into that bias, but in a lot of my social circles, I am immediately surrounded by a lot of people who fall into poly supremacy thinking and, even if they wouldn't admit it out loud, think people who choose monogamy (or even people who are in poly relationships and struggling) need deconditioning. I feel really frustrated.
Last year my partner of a long term monogamous relationship suddenly asked to date another person, and although I initially agreed, more out of fear of losing the relationship than anything else, it quickly devolved into a situation where I was not ok with being in a non-monogamous relationship, I asked for the other relationship to end, and then my partner chose to leave me to be with the other person. I experienced a lot of dishonesty, intentional distortion and denial of reality, my partner trying to "diagnose" me with issues they had read about in poly books, and many more behaviors that have left me with immense pain and heartbreak that I won't get into here. My experiences are personal anecdotes on one level, but I worry that the current poly trend is another example of people adopting dogma and jargon in place of getting to the root causes of why relationships actually may be hard or fail.
I am kind of dreading getting back into the dating world because so many queer people are doing poly and I don't want to do it. But I do think it's a gift to be clear on what you are and are not willing to do in relationships, even if it limits the pool.
There's so much more I could say, but just wanted to respond with something to your piece and especially express some appreciation for your nuance and humility. I have been following you for the past year or so and although this is my first time chiming in, please know that I value the content you are putting out there and, most of all, the ways you are publicly engaging with ideas.
Hi Drea!
“I worry that the current poly trend is another example of people adopting dogma and jargon in place of getting to the root causes of why relationships actually may be hard or fail.”
I think you hit the nail on the head! Some may scoff when I say there are polyamorists who seem to promise a life without heartache, but it’s just one of many examples of dogmatic radical thinking: if I just use the right language/do the right thing/have the right type of relationship, I can avoid scrutiny/pain/badness. Life doesn’t work that way.
Your experience sounds so profoundly painful—not only is there the loss of what was once a loving and long term relationship, but there’s the additional layer of being told there’s something wrong with you for wanting what you want, and the framing of you losing the love due to your own shortcomings, rather than a significant change in your partner’s desired life. It adds insult to injury when people posture morally while hurting us, or imply that in some way we deserve it or caused it ourselves. What a nightmare.
I really appreciate your engagement with this essay; your experience illuminates the human cost of the poly-superior mindset. Please do chime in again :)
Beautifully written, thank you for sharing
Thank you, Stephen!
I have heard similar defenses of poly from the part of my social group that’s queer. “it’s not for everyone” ... And yet it seems like everyone in that identity group is doing it. A friend of mine who lives in a different city has said that most of the profiles she finds on apps are only interested in poly relationships. Seems very difficult out there to be young(ish) and monogamous.
You’ve done so much critical introspection on ways in which the progressive / radical culture impacted your life, I’m curious if this is a particular area that continued to stand up after that critical introspection, or, do you feel that being polyamorous is distinct from other areas of your past that you’ve decided to shed?
I hope this question makes sense, I’m a new reader and really don’t know your background very well so forgive any incorrect assumptions I might be making!
Oof, I have heard monogamous queer people in my city lament about their difficulty in the dating pool. Come to think of it, I've heard similar lamentations from queer people who are no longer true believers in social justice orthodoxy.
Thanks for your thoughtful question. I think it's been important for me to distinguish the practice of polyamory from its ideological trappings, which was a big motivator behind this essay. I've stopped conceiving of it not as a core part of who I am—rather, it's a choice that I'm making, and it's always up for revision. I've been with my current live-in partner for almost seven years now, and a couple of years ago, I asked them if they'd prefer to be monogamous, because I was willing to make that change if it was something they'd come to want (we'd both changed a great deal over the years, and I didn't want them to feel trapped by our initial agreement). They told me that wasn't a change they desired, and so we've carried on as before.
I share this because I think that discussion marked a change in my orientation toward relationship styles, and my domestic partner has become much more important than my ability to practice a particular lifestyle. There's no longer a zealous devotion, and I will always be open to making a change if the circumstances call for it.
I hope that answers your question—let me know what you think!
“..Distinguish the practice from its ideological trappings” -- very clear way to word exactly what I was referencing! Thanks for the reply :)
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Thanks Cara!