When polyamorists are the butt of a joke, the premise is often that polyamorists believe themselves to be superior to the dull-eyed, monogamous masses, and as much as we may hate to admit it, there’s a grain of truth to this. There seems to be more serious interest in polyamory now than at any other time in the last thirteen years I’ve been practicing it, but before everyone dives into the deep end, I feel obligated to provide a fair warning.
I find it difficult to talk about my experiences with poly (all of which have been very negative- teaching me most of all about what I do NOT want in relationships) because many people tend to be either monogamy purists, or poly supremacists who seem to have drunk the Kool Aid. I don't want to be either of those, which makes me grateful that your essay has struck a middle ground. I have no categorical problem with poly relationships and want people to have full agency to choose them if that's what they want, but also don't appreciate the ways in which poly has become a virtue signal for being 'down with the cause' and is used to justify shitty behaviors (just as monogamy certainly can be weaponized in that way too). I feel bad sometimes because I know in wider society polyamory is a marginalized thing, and I don't want to feed into that bias, but in a lot of my social circles, I am immediately surrounded by a lot of people who fall into poly supremacy thinking and, even if they wouldn't admit it out loud, think people who choose monogamy (or even people who are in poly relationships and struggling) need deconditioning. I feel really frustrated.
Last year my partner of a long term monogamous relationship suddenly asked to date another person, and although I initially agreed, more out of fear of losing the relationship than anything else, it quickly devolved into a situation where I was not ok with being in a non-monogamous relationship, I asked for the other relationship to end, and then my partner chose to leave me to be with the other person. I experienced a lot of dishonesty, intentional distortion and denial of reality, my partner trying to "diagnose" me with issues they had read about in poly books, and many more behaviors that have left me with immense pain and heartbreak that I won't get into here. My experiences are personal anecdotes on one level, but I worry that the current poly trend is another example of people adopting dogma and jargon in place of getting to the root causes of why relationships actually may be hard or fail.
I am kind of dreading getting back into the dating world because so many queer people are doing poly and I don't want to do it. But I do think it's a gift to be clear on what you are and are not willing to do in relationships, even if it limits the pool.
There's so much more I could say, but just wanted to respond with something to your piece and especially express some appreciation for your nuance and humility. I have been following you for the past year or so and although this is my first time chiming in, please know that I value the content you are putting out there and, most of all, the ways you are publicly engaging with ideas.
I have heard similar defenses of poly from the part of my social group that’s queer. “it’s not for everyone” ... And yet it seems like everyone in that identity group is doing it. A friend of mine who lives in a different city has said that most of the profiles she finds on apps are only interested in poly relationships. Seems very difficult out there to be young(ish) and monogamous.
You’ve done so much critical introspection on ways in which the progressive / radical culture impacted your life, I’m curious if this is a particular area that continued to stand up after that critical introspection, or, do you feel that being polyamorous is distinct from other areas of your past that you’ve decided to shed?
I hope this question makes sense, I’m a new reader and really don’t know your background very well so forgive any incorrect assumptions I might be making!
Thank you for sharing your personal experiences on this topic, and very sound advice!! You rock Kier, been enjoying reading you on your journey :)
Love that last paragraph. Well done Kier ☺️
Thank you for your reflections!
I find it difficult to talk about my experiences with poly (all of which have been very negative- teaching me most of all about what I do NOT want in relationships) because many people tend to be either monogamy purists, or poly supremacists who seem to have drunk the Kool Aid. I don't want to be either of those, which makes me grateful that your essay has struck a middle ground. I have no categorical problem with poly relationships and want people to have full agency to choose them if that's what they want, but also don't appreciate the ways in which poly has become a virtue signal for being 'down with the cause' and is used to justify shitty behaviors (just as monogamy certainly can be weaponized in that way too). I feel bad sometimes because I know in wider society polyamory is a marginalized thing, and I don't want to feed into that bias, but in a lot of my social circles, I am immediately surrounded by a lot of people who fall into poly supremacy thinking and, even if they wouldn't admit it out loud, think people who choose monogamy (or even people who are in poly relationships and struggling) need deconditioning. I feel really frustrated.
Last year my partner of a long term monogamous relationship suddenly asked to date another person, and although I initially agreed, more out of fear of losing the relationship than anything else, it quickly devolved into a situation where I was not ok with being in a non-monogamous relationship, I asked for the other relationship to end, and then my partner chose to leave me to be with the other person. I experienced a lot of dishonesty, intentional distortion and denial of reality, my partner trying to "diagnose" me with issues they had read about in poly books, and many more behaviors that have left me with immense pain and heartbreak that I won't get into here. My experiences are personal anecdotes on one level, but I worry that the current poly trend is another example of people adopting dogma and jargon in place of getting to the root causes of why relationships actually may be hard or fail.
I am kind of dreading getting back into the dating world because so many queer people are doing poly and I don't want to do it. But I do think it's a gift to be clear on what you are and are not willing to do in relationships, even if it limits the pool.
There's so much more I could say, but just wanted to respond with something to your piece and especially express some appreciation for your nuance and humility. I have been following you for the past year or so and although this is my first time chiming in, please know that I value the content you are putting out there and, most of all, the ways you are publicly engaging with ideas.
Beautifully written, thank you for sharing
I have heard similar defenses of poly from the part of my social group that’s queer. “it’s not for everyone” ... And yet it seems like everyone in that identity group is doing it. A friend of mine who lives in a different city has said that most of the profiles she finds on apps are only interested in poly relationships. Seems very difficult out there to be young(ish) and monogamous.
You’ve done so much critical introspection on ways in which the progressive / radical culture impacted your life, I’m curious if this is a particular area that continued to stand up after that critical introspection, or, do you feel that being polyamorous is distinct from other areas of your past that you’ve decided to shed?
I hope this question makes sense, I’m a new reader and really don’t know your background very well so forgive any incorrect assumptions I might be making!
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻